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January 5, 2023
When many first think of marriage- they think of who they are and what their requirements are for a spouse. That's fair- but are those requirements realistic, while also keeping one's own profile in mind?
This article will go through an exercise, while using statistics and educated guessing, to determine what makes a realistic criteria. It will also provide tips on how we can potentially "compromise" some parts or many parts of our original criteria to maximize our chances of finding a righteous spouse.
Most matchmaking services and haram "dating" apps function on the fact that people have unrealistic criteria, which keeps them stressed and dependent on their apps. We want to provide services, while also educating people about the not-so-convenient ground realities of marriage criteria.
Note: Try to repeat this exercise for requirements for a female candidate.
Gender: Male
Age: 30-34 years old
Country of Origin: Pakistani
Citizenship: Canadian
Madhab: Sunni
Marital Status: Not currently married (could be single never married, divorced or widow)
Height: 5'10 and above
Job: Any financially stable job (over $75,000 CAD)
Education: Any
About: Religious, not obese
It seems like a fairly reasonable criteria, right? Well, not quite.
- There are around 1,417,447 Canadian males age 30-34 [Stats Can]
- Maybe 7% or less are Muslim [Stats Can says 4.9%; Muslims are younger] = 99,221
- Maybe 30% or less are Pakistani = 29,766
- Maybe 70% or less are Sunni = 20,836
- 26% of Canadians earn over $75,000 CAD [Stats Can] = 5,417
- 35% of Canadian males are 5'10 and above (even less for Pakistani) = 1,896
- 77% or less are not obese BMI [Stats Can] = 1,460
- Maybe 60% or less are religiously inclined = 875
- Maybe 35% or less are not currently married = 350
Wow. There may only be 350 people that satisfy this entire criteria.
Specific education (university, college, apprenticeship, degree)
Specific career
Specific ethnicity within country of origin
Physical attractiveness
Specific goals
Medical issues
Hobbies
Sense of humor
Whether they are divorced, widowed or neither
Whether they have children from previous marriage
Whether they live within your city or province
Whether they will stay within your city, province or country
This doesn’t take into account whether your profile satisfies that person’s specific criteria. What if you aren’t in their desired age range, aren’t in their city, your religiosity doesn’t match, your height isn’t in their desired range, your goals differ, your personalities clash and so on?
How likely is it to find someone who satisfies my criteria 100%? Very unlikely. You may know of some exceptional cases.
How likely is it to find someone who satisfies my criteria 100% and I satisfy their criteria 100%? Extremely unlikely.
First, make dua that Allah provides you what you are looking for- if it is better for your Dunya and hereafter.
Then, decide what parts of your criteria can be compromised. Compromise doesn’t mean to ignore your standards completely- it just means to bring our expectations down to realistic standards, so we don’t get disappointed in the case they are never met.
Is my criteria actually realistic, given the statistics I know of?
What are deal-breakers for me? Are the deal-breakers actually deal-breakers?
What are things I can compromise? Remember- almost no one fits each other's complete criteria 100%.
Do the people who possess my requirements generally look for people with profiles similar to mine?
There may be some things in my profile I cannot control such as age, ethnicity, marital status or where I was raised (which may be filtering me in other people’s requirements)- but what can I change in my personal profile and requirements to improve my chances?
Are my expectations for an ideal marriage based on social media, TV show, dramas, celebrities or novels? Are my expectations based on some exceptions I witnessed?
Note: You don't have to apply the following tips all at once- pick based on your priorities.
Develop a list of 10 unique things you want in a spouse and rank them in priority. If you manage to find even 5-6 of them, that’s rare and you should seriously consider that person, instead of disqualifying. Otherwise, you'll disqualify many people before realizing that almost no one satisfies your criteria 100%.
Ask 1-2 people to help determine if your marriage criteria is realistic (at least 1 trusted Mahram person from the opposite gender)
Prioritize your morals, goals and your concept of gender roles- as these will be foundational to your relationship
“Lower your gaze” (men and women) from social media, TV, novels and celebrities that promote “ideal and fantasized” relationships (no relationship is perfect but these can change our perceptions away from reality)
Start marriage process younger- when more people in your required age range are un-married
Increase your required age range
Lower minimum ideal height requirement
Increase flexibility in relocating (ex. Different cities, provinces, Canada to USA, USA to Canada)
Open yourself up to someone less financially settled or someone on their way to being settled
Open yourself up to those outside your ethnicity or country of origin
Open yourself up to someone who was divorced, had Khula or is a widow(er)
Re-evaluate your “post-secondary education” requirements. For example, looking for a specific degree or education level will filter your requirements significantly. Contrary to popular belief, many college graduates out-earn and out-perform university graduates. Many from the trades avoided Debt and Riba (interest), which is praiseworthy as a Muslim. Depending on cultural background, this may require educating parents on the topic.
Take every potential matched candidate seriously
Just by applying 3-4 tips above, you could increase the number of people who satisfy your criteria by around 5-20x or maybe more, insha Allah.
Developing a realistic criteria is important when considering marriage. It is not a completely thoughtless process- rather, it requires us to take deep consideration to determine what can be compromised and what cannot. Insha Allah the exercise and tips proved beneficial in helping the reader understand what makes a realistic marriage criteria. May Allah grant everyone righteous spouses. Ameen.
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© Salahdeen Technologies 2021. All rights reserved.